9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.


Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.


friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?


flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps


I wasn’t trying to break you up, but she asked me what I did last night, and your name came up. *shrugs


Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?


Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.


*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?


I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1


[Showing my friend my poem]

Friend: Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables

Me: Haiku is two syllables