9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
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Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
“TGIM!” – My liver
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Festive toon…
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s