Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

I’m so full I could puke a horse

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

Breaking news:

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?