9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
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My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.