9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
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BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
This is the one
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.