9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
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“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I need to sieze this.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.