9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
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*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Never deleting this app.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.