Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
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Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.