Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

Born to be mild.

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

Wait a minute

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

#ParentingFacts

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Proctology is located in A55

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

We’ve come full circle

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

Very good! 👍😂