9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
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Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?