9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
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[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok