Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to