9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
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When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
reviewed some movies recently
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this