9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
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*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack