Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

My dog learned how to text

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.