Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

*eats only grass-fed donuts

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.