Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.