9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
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Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling