9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
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How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
yeah no that’s fair
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
mathematically impossible
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine