Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.