9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
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Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.