Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

When your diet is finally over.

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

date: so you have any hobbies?

me: i play a guitar sometimes.

date: oh i’d love to see that.

me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!