9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
You Might Also Like
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg