Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

“What?”
– Jude

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

rise and shine we got egg

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.