9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
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Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
New comic up. “Ransom”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Spring cleaning checklist…
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.