Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.