Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.