9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
You Might Also Like
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I wish this was real life…
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.