Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

😂😂

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down