Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please