Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice