9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
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4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
This is me
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.