Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

who’s gonna tell her?

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately