Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

I don’t actually have to be rich I just need access to the parallel universe where I already am rich and just borrow money from me. What am I gonna say no? I wouldn’t, but that’s just me and sometimes I surprise myself.

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen