9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
You Might Also Like
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
it must be school picture day
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.