9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
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when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.