9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
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I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
#Caturday
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award