9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
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hmm conte-me mais
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I put the I in Insufferable.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Covid like
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”