Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

my friends when i can’t do basic math

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them