9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
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I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.