9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
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There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
the best thing i’ve ever made
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
We don’t deserve birds.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”