Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?