9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
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“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks