Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

🧠

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack