Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

The only equipped I am is ill.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*