9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
