Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

Sniffing the broccoli

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.