9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
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“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Noah was an idiot.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer