Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

weird email i got today

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

I didn’t realize that was an option

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.