Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this