Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

*puts cutlery down*

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.