Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

You had me at “define legal”.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.