90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
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I don’t think my car can fly
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
☠️
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
