Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

(Gaming support cat.)

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

so this horse walks into a bar

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.