90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
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I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
i was baptized in a car wash
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Try and stop me.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Liquor Store Parking
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her