Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

mandolin: finally a violin for men

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

“I asked Santa for a real duck.”

— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.