Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

I miss this era type of pranks😭

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?