90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
You Might Also Like
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
How all things should be taught/explained.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck