Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

*lint rolls you awake*

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?