Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

This will never not be funny to me.

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”