Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.