Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

The big book of baby names but for safe words

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

Damn what did I do next

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

…..pretty much.

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.