90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
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Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Me driving through Toronto
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I’m about to risk it all
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I can’t wait!