@iwearaonesie

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

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@markydoodoo

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

@baconacid

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

@OctopusCaveman

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

@DrCephalopod

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

@captainkalvis

doctor: i’ve got good news and bad news
me: what’s the bad news?
doctor: you lost your short term memory
me: and what’s the bad news?

@food_shoes_life

Me to myself: don’t eat it you need to lose weight.

Also me: watch me eat this entire pizza.

@WetzelGeek

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

@g0_f1sh

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

@MarfSalvador

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes