The three genders.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
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There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
doctor: i’ve got good news and bad news
me: what’s the bad news?
doctor: you lost your short term memory
me: and what’s the bad news?
Me to myself: don’t eat it you need to lose weight.
Also me: watch me eat this entire pizza.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes