Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED