90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
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The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
IT’S-A ME,
