90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
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Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit