Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Can. I. Help. You.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.