Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

He has no idea 🤡

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.