Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

British people be like I’m Bri ish

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.