90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
You Might Also Like
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.