Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

This is my emotional support knife.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns