Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

Your honor these allegations are

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off