Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.